Last night, at 3am, I was reading the spiritual memoir of Mastin Kipp (of The Daily Love blog) and I had one of those slightly devastating, slightly euphoric moments of realisation where I saw my own situation in another’s words. The AHA moment came with a huge does of humility. It’s one of the big reasons I love real life storytelling. We don’t need big signs or guidance from a higher power. We can see ourselves in everyone else.
What I’ve discovered over the last 24 hours is that I have been waiting. For what I can’t even really say.
I’m waiting to be ready. Waiting to have an audience to speak to. Waiting for likes to go up before I speak more. Waiting for love. Waiting to feel safe. Waiting for certainty that I’m heading in the right direction. Waiting for an invitation to open up.
But waiting kind of sucks. Really sucks. It means all the things I dream of doing or being are always held in the safe sanctity of the near future.
I don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve been watching my friends and peers move forward in big strides, observing from the sidelines, holding off until I get some of the big confirmations they seem to be getting. Even though I’m happy for their successes, I’ve also been feeling a wee bit bitter. Not at them but at the Universe.
I tend to direct all my negative feelings toward the Big U. Not blaming other people fits much more comfortably with my spiritual beliefs. Putting the blame back on the Universe feels more acceptable to me than pinning it on real people. I feel less of a victim this way but I can still keep believing the Big U has got it in for me.
The Big U had done some pretty awesome things for me, to be sure. It has delivered me to an island paradise, granted me many successes and lots of beautiful connections. And for all these things I’m incredibly grateful. But over the last few years and on the big ‘heart and mission’ stuff it has been a slow master. It has teased me with glimpses of what I’ve been wanting to create and then just as quickly taken them away. Or so my story goes.
In case you didn’t notice, this is what resentment feels like. Even when I try and hide it, there is a hint of ‘what about me?’ that keeps creeping into my inner dialogue. You know, that song of self-pity at the beginning of the Bridget Jones’s movie.
I have tried to shut off that voice. Self-pity is not a good look, especially on a spiritual person.
But why hasn’t the Big U been offering me the same favours as my friends? Why have I been the one still sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else move ahead of me. Poor, poor me! Cue the violins.
The AHA voice came in really clear for me last night. I haven’t really been putting myself out there as much as I could have been. As much as my friends. I’ve been dipping my toe into the pool of dreams, not ready to go full out and skinny dip in it. My efforts haven’t had the consistency that are required to make the major breakthroughs I’m looking for.
I have had things backward. I have been waiting for bigger confirmations from the Big U before I act with more decisiveness. But that’s not how things work. Somewhere in the last few years, I was the one who lost faith in the Big U supporting me. It hadn’t lost faith in me. It was just mirroring my own lack.
Knowing this means something big has to change, and it’s not the Big U. It’s me.
I have to stop waiting, which is a bit scary to me. It means stopping the Big U blame game and the beginning of a new phase of acting without certainty. It means following up, being consistent, taking bigger risks, having stronger faith, and continuing to put myself forward without any guarantees of what will come back. This is what a true spiritual adventurer does.